5 Tips for Curating Your Wedding Guest List
It can be difficult, and even nerve-wracking, to decide who to include and who to leave off of your wedding guest list. The topic can get people heated, and you’re bound to encounter those who disagree with the decisions you make. That being said, it’s most important to have a guest list that you are comfortable with. After all, it’s your wedding—not anyone else’s! We promise that if you go by these five rules of thumb, they won’t steer you wrong. You’ll create your ideal guest list in no time!
Know Your Budget
Your guest list actually represents the largest chunk of your budget, since it directly impacts the final cost of your venue. Even if you are getting married at a ‘DIY’ venue, the caterer you choose will still be priced according to the number of people being served. With this in mind, create a primary list of all the people who absolutely *have* to be at your wedding that meets your venue and/or caterer’s minimum—if you do not meet their minimum, you’ll still be expected to pay as if you have, regardless of how many people RSVP as a ‘yes.’ Once you’ve met that minimum number, go ahead and start adding people to the list while being mindful of your budget.
With that being said, we don’t love using the terms ‘B’ and ‘C’ list for the guests you add after meeting the minimum. These terms can make it seem as if those people aren’t as important as your ‘A’ list guests. Rather than framing it this way, it’s better to consider them as people you’d love to invite if your budget allows! We want to emphasize that you should not go into debt for your wedding day because you don’t want people to ‘feel bad’ about not being invited. Your budget is your budget, and not being able to invite someone doesn’t mean that that person means any less to you.
So, to recap: as your budget and venue capacity allows, you can begin adding guests to your list until your budget is met! Here at Verve, we have a great guest tracker tool that allows you to manage your RSVPs alongside a budget tracker for this very reason.
You Are Not Obligated to Reciprocate a Wedding Party Invitation
Yep, it’s true—you absolutely do not have to invite someone to be in your wedding party just because you were in theirs. This is a common misconception, and we understand why! But think of it this way: your wedding party has the potential to make up a BIG portion of your guest list. For instance, if you have 10 bridesmaids and 10 groomsmen, that’s 20 people. And, if each of those people either has a significant other or is allowed to bring a date, that’s 40 people on your guest list right off the bat. If you plan on having a 120-person wedding, that’s 34% of your guest list used up by the wedding party alone, without even counting family or additional guests!
Because it’s so easy for your wedding party to send your guest list spinning out of control, it’s best to cut down on your list of potential ‘maids and groomsmen from the start. That way, you can control your overall guest list carefully and avoid it being swallowed up without your knowledge. And, there really don’t have to be any hard feelings. I promise that people will understand if they aren’t in your wedding party, even if you were in theirs. Besides, if they don’t understand, are they really one of your VIPs anyway? The bottom line is that priorities and relationships change, and if someone has already married then they should fully understand what it feels like to ‘choose’ people for the big day.
You Are Not Obligated to Reciprocate a Wedding Invitation
This is another misconception! You never know the circumstances around another person’s guest list. Maybe they had a 350-person wedding, and you can only invite (or only want to invite) 130. In that case, they had the ability to invite many more people to their wedding, which may have been why you were included. It is simply true that a bigger budget and/or minimum allows for more guests to receive an invite, whereas, with a more intimate gathering, that same freedom just doesn’t exist.
Keep in mind as well that relationships change over the years. Maybe you were closer to someone in the past than you are now, and that’s normal and okay! Trust us: people will know if you are inviting them just to reciprocate their invitation, especially if you haven’t been close in a while. No one wants to think, ‘well, we were only invited because we invited them,’ so it’s best to just avoid that entirely by only inviting those who you truly want to be there.
Navigating Family Drama
The fact is, everyone has family drama—even that perfect Brady Bunch family you may look up to. First and foremost, you shouldn’t invite anyone with whom you have a toxic or emotionally distant relationship, even if someone else in the family might get upset about it. This is YOUR wedding. We repeat. YOUR wedding. No matter who is paying for it, you are the one creating your own guest list. If inviting someone is making you upset, then don’t invite them!
If a couple you know is divorced, but you still love and talk to both partners, then it’s perfectly okay to invite them both! They are adults and can choose whether to attend or not. In fact, they don’t even have to communicate with each other, either before or at the event. You can sit them separately and enjoy the company of both of your friends, even if they aren’t together anymore.
Does your Uncle Bob cause a scene at every family event? Does he go overboard with the alcohol and create uncomfortable interactions? Then this is your time to have a serious conversation with them and decide if you are willing to take the chance of having them at your wedding, where there will be an open bar and ample opportunity for altercations. On a separate note, if you haven’t seen certain cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. in years, then they do not need to be invited to your wedding. Receiving an invitation is most likely going to confuse them if they haven’t seen you since you were five!
What To Do About Plus One’s
Really, this is entirely up to you. Even if someone is expecting a plus one, you do not have to give them one, especially if you’re trying to cut down on your guest list. If that is you, then limit plus one’s to those who are married, engaged, or in a serious long-term relationship. And, if you’ve never met someone’s potential plus one, then should they really be part of the most important day of your life up to that point?
Bonus Tip: What To Do About Kids
No matter how guilty people may make you feel, you don’t have to have kids at your wedding if you don’t want them there. Honestly, most parents will be grateful for the opportunity to enjoy a night out together without the kids!
If you don’t mind having some ‘children’ there but don’t want small children, then create a cut-off age. For instance, you might create a guest list that is 16 and up. And no, that doesn’t have to go on your invites! Rather, it can simply act as a helpful guide as you create your list, allowing you to include some of the older kids while keeping the smaller ones at home.
If you do decide to allow kids at your wedding, then we recommend hiring a professional babysitter. You should also designate an area for kids to rest if they get tired and for their parents to take them if they have a meltdown. Most venues have bridal suites that can serve this purpose! Above all, it’s important to have a professional onsite dedicated to making sure that the parents can enjoy themselves and the kids have someone managing them throughout the evening. Additionally, you could designate a ‘kid’s table’ with a paper tablecloth for them to draw on, coloring books, and anything else to keep them occupied!
We hope that these tips for curating your wedding guest list prove helpful to you! In fact, Weddings with Verve exists for that very purpose: helping you through the wedding madness and taking care of all the details so you don’t have to worry. We would love it if you contacted us so we can tell you what we’re all about, and chat about how we can serve you as you plan your New Jersey wedding!
